Alain de Botton: Love in the era of Romanticism
How Romantic !
Love expert Alain de Botton, known for his thought-provoking non-fiction books, often gets asked why he wrote a novel like “On Love.” His answer? We learn a lot about love from stories – novels, songs, and movies shape our ideas! Think about this quote by La Rochefoucauld: “Some people wouldn’t fall in love if they hadn’t heard of it.” A bit extreme, but it shows how much we’re influenced by outside ideas so much that we are nowadays in very distinctive era in the history of love: we are living in the era of Romanticism.
Table of contents:
The Birth of Romanticism The Idea of Soulmates Love, Loss and The Eternal Wild Love The Drama of Love
Romanticism is beautiful but…
The Birth of Romanticism
The 1800s saw a new art movement called Romanticism. Why did it start? People were bummed by factories during the Industrial Revolution and not so crazy about Enlightenment ideas anymore. Romanticism put feelings and imagination first, unlike the older style that focused on reason.
In England, artists like James Barry and Henry Fuseli were the first Romantics. They liked weird and wonderful stuff, inspired by poets like William Blake. They painted pictures full of visions and emotions, like the sublime landscapes [link to landscapes paragraph] created by J.M.W. Turner and John Constable.
France also saw its share of Romantic artists. Eugène Delacroix and Théodore Géricault depicted individual heroism and suffering, a theme that resonated with the focus on emotions in Romanticism. German Romantic artists like Caspar David Friedrich took a similar approach, using their art to tell deeper stories.
Romanticism wasn’t just about art – it spread to writing, music, and even buildings! It made people interested in old-fashioned Gothic architecture again, which fit with the whole fantasy and feeling vibe of the movement.
The Idea of Soulmates
Romanticism paints a very idealistic picture of love. It proposes the existence of a “soulmate” – a perfect match destined for each person. This soulmate isn’t just a romantic partner, but someone who completes you on a deeper level, filling any voids of confusion or loneliness that might exist in your life. Finding this soulmate is presented as the ultimate goal, a magical solution that will bring complete fulfillment. But how do we find this ideal partner, according to Romanticism? Unlike more practical approaches, Romanticism emphasizes instinct. It suggests that finding your soulmate is less about conscious searching and more about a powerful, almost immediate sense of connection – a feeling that just “clicks”.
Love, Loss, and The Eternal
It’s surprising how many Romantics died young. Their stories often go like this: a couple falls deeply in love, then one gets sick and you know the rest… It’s a sad love story that ends fast, but somehow it feels like it lasts forever. Romanticism is also really into dramatic endings, even suicide sometimes so much that death ,in general, held a significant place, serving as a poignant and often recurring theme in literature, art, and philosophy of the era. Romantic thinkers and artists were deeply interested in mortality, seeing it as a profound aspect of the human experience. Death was not merely an end but a transition, a gateway to the unknown, and a source of mystery and contemplation.
Wild Love
for the Romantics, nature isn’t just a backdrop; it’s a vital ingredient in the love story. Imagine a couple embarking on a long, winding walk, not through a manicured park, but deep into a wild, untamed landscape. Perhaps they encounter a cascading waterfall, its roar echoing through the trees, or they arrive at a dramatic cliffside where the ocean crashes against the rocks, sending up plumes of spray. These aren’t just scenic vistas; they are powerful, awe-inspiring places that heighten the experience of love.
Even the time of day holds significance. As dusk settles, soft light filters through layers of clouds, painting the sky in hues of purple and pink as the sun dips below the horizon. This is a particularly romantic moment. Surrounded by nature’s raw beauty and drama, Romantics believe that love itself intensifies. The vastness of the natural world mirrors the depth of their emotions, and the power and energy of nature seem to echo the passion they feel.
The Drama of Love
While sex has always existed, the Romantics elevated it to a new level. They saw it as the ultimate expression and peak of love, a deeply intimate act symbolizing true devotion. Sex became more than physical; it was a way to express tenderness and a sincere connection with your partner. This romantic ideal, however, had a significant downside. It made adultery a devastating betrayal. If sex was the pinnacle of love, any romantic or sexual interest outside the relationship became a catastrophic violation of that love. This shift in perspective explains the abundance of 19th-century European novels centered on adultery, from “Madame Bovary” to “Anna Karenina”. Adultery itself wasn’t new, but the emotional weight attached to it certainly was. The act went from a transgression to a shattering of the core ideal of romantic love.
Romanticism is beautiful but…
Romanticism has been a catastrophe for our capacity to have good long term relationships and if we want to have a chance of succeeding at love, we will have to be disloyal to many of the romantic emotions that got us into the relationships in the first place. Why do I say that? Well let me run you through a few of the areas that I believe that Romanticism has spelt difficulty for us in relationships:
From Original Sin to Inherent Goodness
Romanticism challenged an older view of humanity. This older view, often associated with Christianity, saw humans as inherently flawed, broken, and sinful. Romanticism rejected this pessimism and emphasized the inherent goodness and purity of people. The key idea was that children represent humanity at its best. Thinker Jean-Jacques Rousseau argued that children are born good, and only corrupted by society. This contrasted sharply with the earlier belief, championed by St. Augustine, that all humans carry the burden of original sin.
Interestingly, this shift in thinking led to the use of the word “angel” not just for heavenly beings, but also for our loved ones – a reflection of this newfound belief in human goodness.
In fact, we are crazy…
So, you start a relationship thinking your partner is perfect. But then, reality sets in, and you see their flaws. What do you do when your belief in inherent goodness clashes with everyday problems? Here’s the thing: Romanticism isn’t very helpful for dealing with relationship struggles. It’s actually better to accept that everyone, in their own way, is a little “crazy”. We all go through childhood, adolescence, and life experiences that shape us in unique ways, sometimes not always in the best light. It might take time to understand our own quirks and flaws, but they’re there and this is important knowledge to bring into relationships.
But why is it so hard to accept our own imperfections? Part of the problem is that self-awareness is difficult. It takes real effort to truly understand ourselves.
We Look for What We Knew
Forget crazy love at first sight! What really sticks with us is how we learned about love as kids. Even if it wasn’t always sunshine and rainbows, that’s what feels familiar and comfortable. The problem is, we might pick partners who remind us of that old feeling, even if they’re not actually the best fit for us. For instance, someone really great might seem strange or even boring because they treat us way better than we’re used to. It’s like setting up two friends who look perfect together on paper, but then they meet and something just feels off. Maybe they have the same hobbies, but there’s no real spark.
The thing is, deep down we might not always be looking for happiness in love. We might be secretly drawn to people who fit a pattern from our childhood, even if that pattern involved problems. In the worst cases, this can lead to picking partners who are mean or even abusive. But even without going that far, many of us get stuck because we’re comfortable with what’s familiar, even if it holds us back from finding truly great relationships.
Little White Lies
Romanticism tells us that honesty is crucial in love, but real life isn’t always that simple. At the start of a relationship, it feels great to share everything and be accepted for who we are. But as time goes on, we realize that being completely honest all the time can sometimes cause problems. For example, imagine telling your partner about a wild idea you have for trying something new in the bedroom. They might not react the way you hoped, which can be awkward and upsetting. This shows us that being totally honest doesn’t always work out well in practice.
Alain de Botton suggests that sometimes it’s better to hold back or “edit” what we say to avoid unnecessary conflict. Romanticism doesn’t really prepare us for this reality. It makes us feel like not being completely honest is wrong, but in truth, a little discretion can actually help keep a relationship strong.
The Unromantic Reality
Romance novels often paint an unrealistic picture of love, focusing on grand gestures and passionate moments while ignoring the mundane aspects of daily life, like laundry and chores. This can lead to problems because it creates unrealistic expectations. Couples may believe that true romance means never having to deal with ordinary, everyday issues.
Consider a seemingly perfect couple deeply in love. They might have a major argument over something as trivial as a wet towel left on the bathroom floor. Why? Because they both believe they’re above such petty disagreements, expecting romance to transcend mundane concerns. However, avoiding these everyday problems can backfire, leading to explosive arguments down the road. This pattern is evident in famous stories like “Madame Bovary”, where the protagonist dreams of a passionate, adventurous love but finds herself disillusioned by the reality of married life filled with ordinary tasks.
Ultimately, the belief that love should ignore everyday life can be detrimental to relationships, as it sets couples up for disappointment and misunderstanding.
The end
Love is a complex and multifaceted experience. Romanticism offers a powerful lens through which to view love, emphasizing passion, soulmates, and dramatic gestures. However, it’s important to remember that this is just one perspective on a vast spectrum. Love can also be built on compatibility, shared values, and a willingness to face life’s challenges together. Ultimately, a fulfilling and lasting love story may involve embracing elements of Romanticism while also acknowledging the importance of reason, communication, and everyday commitment.